I just got back from my yearly week as a counselor at Camp Quest Michigan, and as always I’m back with a story to tell. This year, I was tried for heresy.
You see, the Camp Quest Cannon states clearly (or so I am told) that there are two invisible undetectable unicorns at Camp Quest. They leave no traces and cannot be seen, heard, or felt. Any kid who proves this to be untrue gets a pre-1954 “godless” $100 bill. This leads to many discussions, but alas, so far no child has been able to prove the unicorns aren’t there.
But I had a vision. In my vision, there was a “holy duality.” Two unicorns that are really one. Two that are one, but neither two nor one. Both male and female, but neither male nor female. Both invisible and pink, but neither invisible nor pink. Got that? If not, pray more or just take it on faith.
Unfortunately, the powers-that-be didn’t like dissent, and I was tried for heresy. Elder campers acted as defense attorneys, prosecution attorneys, and judges. There were eye-witnesses to my corruption of children — and my association with Satan.
I was found guilty and sentenced to death. However, I was allowed to live on condition of my recanting of my heresy, which I did in earnest, since one the campers had been assigned to be my exectutioner.
My big secret: I didn’t mean it when I recanted. I just went underground. Next year, I will resurface, stronger than ever, and launch a full scale reformation. Bwoo hah hah hah….