Yes, it’s true, God spoke to me this morning. Actually it was late last night, when I was trying to sleep. But it wasn’t a dream, I swear to God.He Spoke.He kinda sounded like George Burns, and he mumbled a bit, but if I heard him correctly, he said the Patriots would win tonight’s game, or the Superbowl, or something like that. God tends to mumble when he speaks to me. He also said something about Pat Robertson being a professional liar (that part was clearer).Thus sayeth the freakin’ Lord!Oh yeah, he also said you should donate to American Atheists and subscribe to Space and Time.
Sorry, you guys, but Dave’s post reminds me of this joke:
AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS
An atheist was walking through the woods. “What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing up on him. He looked over his shoulder again and saw that the bear was even closer.
Then he tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the atheist cried: “Oh my God! . . . ”
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came from the sky saying:
“You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect Me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”
The atheist looked directly into the light. “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?”
“Very well,” said the voice.
The light went out. The sound of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head, and spoke: “Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord. Amen.”
“The Bible is for people you can?t think for themselves.’
Go Colts!
(I live in Indiana, but cheer for the Steelers. Yet, I HATE Tom Brady and the Patriots–maybe it has to do with the multiple beatings handed to Pitt in the AFC Championship games…)
To the person who wrote the origional article in this blog:
You know better than to say what you are said. You know quite a bit about God… in fact, you were quite close to Him at one time whether you admit it or not. There are some things in your past you need to let go of, however. You need to humble yourself before God. He really does love you, reguardless of what people say and do. His message to you came directly through the life of Christ.
Sorry, It told me the Bears are taking it to the Pats 46-10. Again.
Oh, allow me to correct this:
Dear “afollowerofnothing,”
You know better than to say what you are said. You know quite a bit about nothing… in fact, you were quite close to nowhere at one time whether you admit it or not. There are some things in your past you need to let go of, however. You need to humble yourself before nothing. Nobody really does love you, regardless of what people say and do. No message to you came.
I like my version a lot better. And I even corrected the spelling.
afollowerofChrist:
Here’s your sign.
A Follower of Christ:
I like the fact that you have named your dog Christ instead of Fido and follow him around instead of him following you around! That’s different and refreshing, I think I may try that sometime. Frankly, I was quite happy just having Jes?s work in my garden for minimum wage…
PS: Shouldn’t your gawd have told you the name, address, d/o/b and SS# of the person who wrote the origional article in this blog when he last spoke to you???? Even Maximus Oxillius, Marc Anthony or George Herbert Walker Bush would have been a hell of a lot shorter!
“Jesus saves; Allah forgives; C?thulu thinks you?d make a good sandwich.”
follower:
You so funny. Me forgot to laugh!
By the way, you forgot to add “blind” before “follower.”
Open your eyes.
We’ve been getting a lot of one-, two-, and three-hit trolls lately spewing religious nonsense.
I wonder if they’re all just random and sporadic, or if they’re possibly just the same couple of people. Or if we’re being linked to on a xtian fundie blog somewhere new.
In our house we have a saying– “I don’t care what drug-rehab candidate gets the ball downfield faster.”
But to all you ball fans – it sure beats sitting in a chapel wishing for a better world! So enjoy your games !
And dont worry about the follower of Chris T. She was a year ahead of me in HS and I hung out with her younger sister, Donna
And Thanks for the joke Darwin!
Dave…CVS has a sale on Q tips.
Maybe it’s not the speaking that was mumbled but the hearing…
You know those messages in the middle of the night can be a challenge to understand…let alone believe…
Phreedm:
“You know those messages in the middle of the night can be a challenge to understand…let alone believe…”
By gawd you have seen the light!!! Can this be possible? I had faith, true faith, that one day HE/SHE/IT would let you take the blinders off and see the light! Wait, lemme go down on my knees and pray to the LARD Jes?s Crypto.
“I died in a past life.”
hey dave! i guess it was god who beat the pats not the colts ..just ask the colts owner and thier coach….
After last week, I thought god did hate the Chargers.. After watching ex-charger Caldwell drop two, I think he just holds a grudge against any reciever who played for san diego. David Boston for example.
Didn’t much care for all the thanks given to the lord by colts owner/coaches at the end game interview. It is funny how they have to be PC about saying “lord” instead of jesus.
Go Colts,
i thought it was over at the half but Peyton put on a good show. Yes, i thought the Gawd crap was over the top, it had nothing to do with practice, strategy or the Pats fumbles. It just had to be Gawd. In the bible belt here that sells tickets, i think it is dishonest. If i work that hard for something i would not want credit given to someone who didn’t even show up to practice one time. Just what tackle did gawd do? Was he a receiver? How did he help, did he grease the football?
Strategy and clutch plays won that game not invisible tight ends. It is a shame that those who put in the effort think it was magic.
In Indianapolis, and not wearing a bible belt.
Funny, the Pats Coach wasn’t giving any glory to gawd…
Well, since gawd designed the season for the Colts and Bears to be in the Superbowl, I guess the Bears will win.
After all, gawd likes to torture horses, but he feeds children to bears.
Prince is the halftime fare; that’ll suck.
Maybe some of the commercials will be blasphemous.
DAMN! God was wrong!
My lord has forsaken me! And my team! Oh well, at least it was a good game. All part of god’s plan, you know. I guess that last interception was Jesus’ work, or so say some.
Oh, David, David, David,
When will you learn?
God is never wrong.
YOU simply misunderstood him.
Your team made the mistake of having an icon of something not represented in the Bible, so they had to be taken down a notch. Had they been the New England Burning Bushes, or even Locusts, they’d have had a better chance.
Beware the blood lust of the almighty football god!! ( Ketcup and mustard and onions be upon him.)
Karen:
Pssst! You forgot the relish!
“Gooddess in training.”
Pat Robertson must be investigated by the FBI and/or other local authorities. This is one dangerous fellow. By his own claims, he must be in direct contact with the wrong guys trying to harm other countries. Now about you seen god… are you smoking the right weed?