There I so much I hate about funerals. They never seem to do justice to the departed. It is at once mundane to the practitioners and intense for the customers.Today’s was no different. Now, I’m not saying the funeral was bad per se, I’m saying that the departed person was not celebrated enough, and recieved a rather cookie-cutter service.It was a religious Jewish service, which means it was short (nice). Lots of talk about the wonderful god we all need to praise constantly and without question. No talk about how a loving god needed to take a great person and make her suffer for three years from cancer, finally to lose the battle and leave her 5 and 7 year-old girls mommyless. I realized that a lot of the stuff in the religious service may have been added to take up time — to speak for people for whom there is little to say. The unfortunate thing is that when there is much to say, there is too little time, and the important details of a person’s life can get muted by the mythology.
Diane:
Emotion is what I’m all about and nothing will ever change that because that’s what I am!
There’s nothing selfish or controlling about planning for one’s funeral and expeting to have one wishes respected in death. If that were the rationale, then, why have a will? Isn’t that also a sign of selfishness and control?
Regarding my tirade, guilty as charged! Jesus Freaks will do that to you!
As for you being an Atheist, well, if you say so but you could have fooled me!!!
As a side note, when I was growing up, we had a large number of Haitians in the country. Apparently, in their culture, they cry when a baby is born because that being is no forced to go thru a life of pain but celebrate when someone dies because that person is finally resting and won’t hurt anymore. I was only very fond of that philosophy; however, after being in this inhospitable society for 26 years, my only concern is getting my remains home so that I can finally rest in peace. I know at some level, even in death, I will never be able to rest in peace in this country!
“Mr. Rogers is taking over the world. Welcome to the neighborhood!”
As a practical matter it’s probably not a good idea to put your burial wishes in your will. Most of the time, people don’t deal with the will until after the burial and it could look tacky pulling the will out while the ‘body’s still warm.’
Additionally, you may not want all of your funeral planners to see how much money you left to cousin Maude.
It’s probably a better idea to record your funeral/burial wishes in a seperate document that can be easily located when you expire. If you really want to be formal and official, you could sign and notarize it as well.
I meant ‘separate’ – sorry.
“i think the loss of a child is the most heartbreaking. believer or nonbeliever”
Reason– that expresses exactly how I feel. Parents aren’t suppposed to outlive their children, it’s not usually the way of things. So out of respect for the parents I’d give them lots of leadway. Fighting with a mother who lost her child isn’t honoring anyone, it just creates that much more pain for the living.
darwinluvsu— Because I said how quiet and peaceful a church can be to a grieving family, that makes me a religous person? That’s interesting.
And there’s nothing wrong with wanting your wishes respected in death. But for me, when it comes to a greiving mother who just lost her child, the deceased’s “wants” might have to be compromised to deal with the Family left to grieve. Oh, and a will is great, but I wouldn’t put your wants in death in it. Although it can be kept separate from your will but in your executors care. That might be the best way. But I hope you make your wishes known to everyone and don’t leave someone else to deal with your Family who may not see things the way you do.
And I understand about wanting to be buried in your home country. My friend’s grandmother left Ireland but her family didn’t have the money to have her sent there to be buried. They didn’t have any family left over there either. I don’t know your situation, but if you can’t make it back there–even in death, maybe you can have something buried w/ you from home for whenever that time comes.
When my young daughter wanted to be buried when she died. She had decided she was a theist, so I went looking for someone to lead a funeral. I ended up at the Unitarian Church. I told him I was atheist, but he conducted a theist funeral using the term Josea (or some such). He didn’t know anything about my daughter, except some disorganized details I had told him at a brief meeting and ended up talking about HIS daughter, instead of mine. It was absolutely the worse funeral I have ever been to. I wish we (atheists) could form some sort of closely knit society where we meet regularly, have support groups, socializations, even Wednesday night potlucks. My Christian friends thought the best thing they could say to me was that she was with Jesus, now. Some liked to say her “spirit” was with me. All I could say was that I felt she was at peace, finally.
WendSong:
There are such groups, you just have to look for them. I live in the ATL area and belong to one that meets on a regular basis, including social outings on Friday nights.
Also, I was born and raised in a Communist/Atheist country and funerals were always conducted at the deceased’s home (doesn’t get more secular than that!). Once the body is transported to the cementary for burial, a close friend or relative of the deceased says a eulogy which basically recaps the person’s life – no mention ever of a gawd or any voodoo, just a sad celebration of that individual’s life and accomplishment. To me, it doesn’t get any better than that! I recently realized, however, that the headstones usually have a cross but no mention of make believe whatsoever so I think the cross has just evolved into some kind of symbol of death, peace or whatever without any religious meaning whatsoever.
“I love poetry, long walks on the beach and poking dead things with a stick.”
Diane:
Personally, when I think of church, peace is not the word that comes to mind. For me it’s opression, darkness, illness of the being, creapiness but NOT peace! Therefore, when someone draws peace out of church, I know something is afoul there.
I can’t be buried with anything from my country, it’s much more deeper than that. I HAVE to be buried in my country – there is no substitute for that! Of course, if I could plan my life and death, I would do it in such a way that I die there and know exactly how things will be done: no religion, no church, no Jesus freaks, no crosses, no tug of war for my “soul” just family and friends and I’d be buried next to my grandparents and the others who have passed before me.
I haven’t worked out the details of how I would accomplish that since even my ashes couldn’t be shipped because of the filthy politics of this country but I’ll figure something out. I have faith!!! LOL
hillbillyapostate:
“People” knowing the contents of my Will is completly irrelevant and of no concern to me (particularly after I’m dead). Whatever I have all goes to my 2 children – there is no other family or heirs. I’m naming my best friend as the Executrix and, although she is Catholic herself, she knows fully well where I stand, what my wishes are and I know she will respect that. Furthermore, she will be co-owner of the safety deposit box so she can have instant access to Will without having to go thru the probate process.
“The magic is in you!”
I’ve already told my mother– if I die during her lifetime, I want to be cremated and I want her to scatter my ashes in Hawaii. No particular reasoning there, except that at least she’ll get a vacation out of it.
I really do think that when the time comes when it makes sense for me to have a will, that I’ll do something like that. Grieving is one thing– wallowing quite another.
But, of course, I’ll be dead and gone and won’t know one way or the other. So whatever.
darwinluvsu one day you will show your children cuba.fidel passing will give united states chance to change without losing face.
Reason:
“fidel passing will give united states chance to change without losing face.” As a matter of fact that is my worst fear…once Americans get back in there, shit, I might as well stay here!
“Feminism: the radical notion that women are people.”
cuba has reached a level of development i believe they could handle major U.S. investment.the key diff.from the past is level of education.
Reason:
No country can handle US “investments” which simply mean complete destruction of a country’s way of life, mores and cultures. No, that’s not what I want for my country! My plan is to go back when it’s time and fight “the US invasion” with all my might. Nobody deserves what I have seen, lived and experienced here!
“God forgive America.”
The only ‘good’ funeral I’ve ever attended was for a friend who died in a private plane crash. About two weeks prior to her death she and her husband and I and mine met for dinner. The talk that evening turned to religion.
My husband and I both expressed our godlessness and my friend confessed her like opinion. Her husband was less sure, but harbored a good many doubts himself.
Two weeks later she was dead, not yet thirty-five years old.
The decision her husband made regarding her funeral was commendable. A prominent businnesman in a community of only some 25,000 people, he had much to lose by not going along with the “gone home to Jesus,” “gone to a better place” kind of belief. Yet he didn’t opt for a traditional funeral in spite of the talk that would surely follow and possibly affect him financially.
Their twelve-year old son chose to go to the piano and play The Way We Were, which was very popular at that time. A number of friends then spoke, recalling things they loved about her. I specifically remember a statement about the way she enjoyed life, never worrying about what the wind might do to her hair. Perhaps that sounds like a rather trite statement to make at a funeral, but it so described her. Another had written a poem and read it.
At the end of the service a minister did say a prayer. I feel sure this was a concession to her parents and her husband’s parents.
Following the service most of us went to the couple’s home where the wine flowed and we raised a glass to my friend and celebrated her life for another hour or two.
Sad? Of course, how could it not have been? Even so, I believe we all felt the service was a tribute to her. And although she’d probably never given much thought to what kind of funeral she would have wanted, I’m very sure she would have approved.
A few months before my husband and I had attended the funeral of his very elderly grandmother. She probably believed, but neither or us had ever heard anything very religious from her. We know for a fact that she had not been in church for quite a long time. And yes, she was able even then.
However, to hear the minister speak of her you might have concluded she wore a path to the church door daily. Following his ever-so brief mention of the deceased he launched into an extended hell and brimfire scare-sermon intended to set the rest of us on the road to heaven.
Such a difference!